Mata Nui Protect Us!
by GodotIsWaiting4U
Summary: Nonsensical. Insane. BIONICLE themed. R&R. To fans of my stories: During the summer, I get really lazy, but during the school, I'm more academically and intellectually inclined, so expect frequent updates and new stories.
1. Meet the Author

Here it is, the insane Humor/Parody story I promised! This story is meant for those who appreciate the beauty and humorous quality of nonsense. Lewis Carroll fans will cheer!

XXX

Vakama paced, thinking. He suddenly tripped over his own feet. As he got back up, his hands tripped over each other, sending him to the floor again. He began trying to wriggle in the same pacing motion, and ended up tying himself into a knot, and lay there, struggling-

**Vakama: Hold up! How the heck is this happening?**

**Author: It is.**

**Vakama: How?**

**Author: Don't ask stupid questions. It's harmful to your health.**

**Vakama: What do you mean?**

Now, the author, annoyed, began typing. The air around Vakama immediately turned ice cold, and it took all hi power to try and keep the mangled ball that was now him warm.

**Vakama: Okay, okay, I get it! Chill out!**

**Author: I think you're the one chilling here.**

**Vakama: Ha ha ha, very funny. Just thaw me!**

**Author: Okay. I don't want to kill you. The bureaucracy you have to wade through after killing someone is insane, so I'll let you live.**

The author began deleting a paragraph, and Vakama returned to normal temperature, and began to try and untie himself. He was ticked off, but knew to keep his mouth shut. Suddenly, in a flurry of paper and broccoli, a Toa colored a rich gold with swirls of silver appeared.

"Hey, what's going on? Who are you?" shouted Vakama.

The new Toa, out of sympathy, waved his hand gently, and Vakama popped back into his normal shape.

"I am the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful Author," replied the mysterious Toa. "I take Toa form because I choose to."

"Oh, hi Greg," said Vakama.

"I'm not Greg Farshtey. I am a being at once more wonderful and more sinister than Greg Farshtey. Can Greg Farshtey do this?" the Author said, waving his hand slightly. A figure with a long white beard and wizard robes appeared out of nowhere.

"Hello, I am Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, and you have no right whatsoever to use me in this BIONICLE fanfic," the figure said.

"Quite right," said the Author, and, with a wave of his hand, he lifted Dumbledore from the ground with the Force and force-choked him, throwing in a little force lightning for style, then finishing by beheading him with a lightsaber. Obi-Wan Kenobi then appeared, with a similar message, and was immediately wrapped in webbing shot from the Author's wrists, and flung out the window, and by this time, the real world author started getting tired of the copyright infringements, and, though it had been fun, abandoned the Force and his spider powers.

"I'll be coming in when I feel it necessary," said the Author, and, in a whirlwind of digital information and Brussels sprouts, vanished. Immediately, Vakama remembered the soon-coming all-Toa dance contest.

**Vakama: "All-Toa dance contest"?**

**Author: Yes, there was a sale on lame plot devices at Target, and even though I'm a guy, I love a bargain.**

**Vakama: How much do you love bargains?**

**Author: You'll see soon enough. Rifles through thick file cabinet, with files that have names like "Matau gets a zit" and "Nokama tries to drive a car"**

Vakama began walking to the Coliseum, to the dance contest.

XXX

Coming next week: Dance Dance Revolution (and more nonsense and copyrighted characters)!


	2. Toa Dance Contest!

Toa dance party in this chapter! Check out Matau's moves!

By the way, for those who are worried about the time frame this occurs, it is meant to sound like it happened around the time of BIONICLE Adventures #3: The Darkness Below, (in other words, after the transformation into Toa Metru, but before the presentation of the Great Disks at the Coliseum and the arrest of Whenua, Onewa, and Nuju) but there will be anachronisms, don't you worry (those of you who don't know what an anachronism is, it would be, for example, having a T. Rex wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Something that doesn't belong in that point in time is inserted anyway, get it?).

XXX

Vakama rushed into the Coliseum, for the dance contest. He couldn't wait for it to begin.

**Vakama: What do you mean? I don't know how to dance!**

The Author appeared before him in a maelstrom of paper and cauliflower.

"Oh, stop whining," he said. He began to mock Vakama. "'How is this happening? What other plot devices do you have? I don't know how to dance!"

Vakama, now angered, began to burn with rage. Not figuratively, I mean Nokama jumped up and drenched him to keep from burning down the building.

**Vakama: And what was that about? I have total control over my powers!**

Suddenly, a half-bio flame shot from Vakama's rear, along with a (nearly inaudible compared to the sound of the flames) farting noise.

**Real World Author: You were saying?**

**Vakama: That's never happened before!**

**Onewa: Yeah, it has.**

**Vakama: You stay out of this!**

The Author ignored the squabbling Toa and waved his hand toward Dume.

"Let the contest begin," shouted Dume.

The Author, with a arch of his eyebrow and a nod of his head toward Vakama, put his finger to the side of his nose and vanished up the chimney.

**Vakama: Chimney?**

**Real World Author: Shut up…**

Nuju advanced first, but forgot to detach his crystal spikes first, and so, tried to take a second step forward, and found himself essentially nailed into the ground. Matoran stonecutters were called out to the field to free him, and, since he would not be able to compete now, he was disqualified.

Whenua moved forward to the center of the field, preparing. He engaged his drills, and began to flip and spin in a sort of drill dance. In the middle of a flip, however, he accidentally stuck them into the dirt, and ended up bios beneath the surface of the ground before he recovered from his surprise and aimed back up toward the surface again. He had not, however, gone straight down, and, since he didn't backtrack along the tunnel, came up in Le-Metru, way out of bounds, and was disqualified.

Onewa swung down his proto pitons into the ground and yanked on them while kicking off from the ground. He soared into the air, ripping his pitons from the ground in the process, and went into several flips. On landing, he immediately re-launched, and kept doing this, pulling different mid-air tricks each time. Just before the largest and greatest leap, however, his pitons wouldn't come out of the ground, and he landed hard, flat on his back. Four Matoran carried a stretcher out to him and loaded him on, carrying him from the field. The judges returned scores of 2.5, 2, and 3, pretty low marks, and he was essentially out of the running.

Matau leapt into the air, flipping repeatedly, and landed, leaping again, higher this time. He landed and did it again, even higher, but suddenly everyone felt a strong breeze, and everyone knew the Toa of Air was using his powers to cheat. His wind powers carried him higher, and carried the booing of the Matoran with it. In shame at being caught, he soared off to a dark corner of Metru Nui, sulking.

Nokama stepped forward with a sexy swagger and stuck one of her hydro blades into the ground. She began a pole dance, but, after noticing a shocked look from the judges, yanked it out of the ground and began an elegant swords dance.

Vakama watched nervously, awaiting his turn. Nokama was good; there was no doubt of that. He would have a hard time trumping her performance.

Nokama concluded her dance with a bow, and the scores came in from the judges: 8, 9, and 8. Vakama leapt forward into the center of the arena, but, just then, Dume shouted "All right, then, that concludes our contest, Nokama wins, now onto the Turaga elections!"

**Vakama: (lazily) Turaga elections?**

**Author: Don't look at me in that tone of voice!**

Suddenly, three children, a 14-year-old girl with her hair tied up in a ribbon, carrying an infant with four very sharp teeth in her arms, and a 13-year-old boy with glasses, burst through the Coliseum gate, pursued by a tall man with a long, scraggly unibrow and a tattoo of an eye on his ankle. The gate slammed shut before the man could get through. The children ran up to Vakama.

The older girl said, "I'm Violet Baudelaire, this is my brother, Klaus, and here in my arms is Sunny, my little sister."

The boy called Klaus shook Vakama's hand and said, "Pleased to meet you."

The infant shouted, "Gapf," which meant something like, "I'm Sunny Baudelaire, and I'm very glad to meet you!"

Vakama, startled, said, "I-I'm Vakama."

The other Toa introduced themselves, in a rather calmer manner, and Nokama motioned to Turaga Dume in the balcony and told the children who he was.

"Who was that man chasing you?" asked Vakama.

"A wicked man named Count Olaf," said Klaus.

XXX

YAY! MORE COPYRIGHT VIOLATION! FUN, FUN, FOR EVERYONE!

Don't miss the next chapter (Assuming I can overcome the horrible writer's block I'm suffering from…I'll probably be back on schedule after winter break ends)!


	3. Link's Arrival

Now, finally, after several months, I have finally just knuckled down and written the third chapter. I haven't been suffering from writer's block, just laziness. Here it is, the third chapter of Mata Nui Protect Us!

XXX

The Toa stared at Count Olaf through the gate. Suddenly, he and the Baudelaires began to slowly disappear.

**Vakama: What's wrong now? sighs in exasperation**

**Author: I cannot, I WILL not allow it!**

**Vakama: Why not?**

**Author: I can't think of anything to use the Baudelaires for, other than a momentary appearance.**

Vakama tried to put the sudden appearance and disappearance out of his mind. Suddenly, in place of the Baudelaires, Nidhiki and Krekka appeared. Vakama, and the other Toa, stared as Nidhiki said to Krekka, "Now, exactly like we rehearsed. One, tow three…"

And the duo erupted into song.

"BLACK SOCKS!

They never get dirty,

The longer you wear them,

The blacker they get,

SOMEDAY

I think I shall wash them,

But something keeps telling me,

'Don't do it yet.'"

This they repeated until everyone left the arena to escape the horrible singing. Matoran tripped over each other, fleeing. The Toa were caught up in the mob, and split apart, as the Dark Hunters chased them, still singing, loudly and (in Krekka's case) off-key. Turaga Dume was being carried out on a stretcher, eyes wide, muttering "The horror…Such…awful singing…like…William Shatner with strep throat…"

**Author: (to reader) Yeah, I said it. What are you gonna do about it?**

A few moments later, behind the fleeing Matoran, a shower of ones and zeroes poured from the sky and formed into the shape of a young man. They switched to a full coloration, forming a young man, dressed in green, with a sword, a shield, a bag of bombs on his belt, and a quiver of arrows, complete with a bow (the arrow-shooting kind). The young man whirled his sword, and said to the Dark Hunters, "I am Link, Hero of Time, and soon, the one to destroy all those who threaten peace, including YOU TWO!"

Nidhiki and Krekka turned and ran, straight out the Coliseum gates, where a truck ran them over.

"I'm okay!" shouted Krekka, before a safe fell from the sky on top of him.

"I'm still-!"

A Metru Nui airship came crashing down on top of him.

"I'm-!"

The All-American Rejects, playing "Move Along", came falling out of the sky, on a flying stage, and the stage landed, intact, on top of Krekka, finally shutting him up for good.

Link vanished in a flash of light, but something was left behind. Vakama knelt and picked it up. It was a DVD movie, and on the cover was a redneck surrounded by the forces of darkness. The cover bore the title, "BIONICLE 3: Jeb of Shadows".

**Vakama: "Jeb of Shadows"?**

**Author: A shout-out to Feline Freak, for her (his? I'm not sure) parody title, "Mask of Stupidity", mentioned in Crazy Adventure.**

**Vakama: blinks twice, with a vacant look on his face…okaaaaaay…**

**Author: Shut up or I'll twist you again.**

XXX

Next chapter: The boundary of real-life and fantasy is broken, as the Toa come to my house to find a DVD player to watch Jeb of Shadows on.


End file.
